Graystripe's Horrifying Adventure
by Cynical-Britton
Summary: All Graystripe wanted was a night of breaking innocent pelvises and debauchery, which was ruined by the spooky ghost of Bluestar and an uncreative prophecy. Now follow Graystripe as he does shit he couldn't give a fuck about even if he wanted to in this horrifying adventure (trollfic in case you're wondering)
1. Pelvises and Prophecies

**AN: if you dislike offensive, dark over-****the-top humour and/or swearing, sexual references and alcohol usage, you may want to stop reading right now, if you don't then, great, you're gonna have a fucking ball.**

**P.S. Graystripe is OOC as, well, this is more or less a trollfic and everyone needs to put up with his bullshit so everyone else may or may not be OOC too.**

**P.S.S. All reviews/hate is welcome, I mean, you guys give my dumbass a hobby and reviews and stuff encourage me.**

**NOW ONTO SATAN'S IDEA FOR A FANFIC**

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Things were finally peaceful for the four Clans.

While they were still recovering from the tyranny of Tiggerstar, a sketchy-ass cat who no one was suspicious of because deputies stopped dying the moment he was made deputy, and Scourge, an emo midget with more fangirls than One Direction and the edgiest fan art. Both of whom were slayed by Firestar, the fucker who isn't the centre of attention for once.

But regardless, things were peaceful, no one was committing genocide, no one was summoning Satan, and no one was being a dick. But this fic isn't about how fucking peaceful it is, no sir. This fic is about shit getting fucked up majorly.

In Thunderclan camp, most cats were awake doing their usual morning routine, wether it be having some fresh kill or glossiping about how nice Cloudtail's ass is. But Firestar didn't have such pleasures, not that he would admire his nephew's ass anyway, but he was left to organise patrols Graystripe forgot to.

"Has anyone seen Graystripe lately? He's my lov- no deputy, he should be doing this," Firestar asked irritably, despite Graystripe always being like this, it still annoyed him. Why? Because Graystripe's a dick.

"He's in the Warrior's den sleeping I think." One of the apprentices awnsered, despite having never been in the warrior's den. Firestar rationalised that the apprentice's knowledge was for plot conviniance.

Firestar lept down from High-ledge onto the ground and walked towards the warrior's den. The cat with the same fur colour as Doritos entered the den where the peasants who obeyed his every command rested. Inside was Graystripe, snoring and occasionally muttering verses from Fifty Shades of Gray. Firestar walked up to his belov-friend, definitely friend and deputy.

"Graystripe, can you wake up?" Firestar asked rather loudly because he wasn't putting up with Graystripe's shit. Graystripe opened one eye and stared into Firestar's soul whilst simultaneously having war flashbacks from Vietnam.

"Fine." The lazy cunt muttered. The stripe of gray stood up, streched, and metaphorically gathered his senses and shook off his sleep, as doing these physically would be impossible. Graystripe took a moment to wonder why he had the Dank Forest on speed dial on his nonexistent phone.

After Graystripe demanding several times that Firestar orally pleasure him while Firestar constantly refused because it would shatter his fragile heterosexuality and setting the Elder's den on fire. Thunderclan's leader and his not-so-loyal deputy walked into the sunlight.

A nearby cat, Brambleclaw to be exact, dipped his head in respect towards the two homosexual-yet-perfectly-straight-cats "good afternoon Firestar, Graystripe," the young warrior with daddy issues greeted.

"How's your dad doing?" Graystripe, being the insensitive asshole he is, asked. Brambleclaw tensed and lowered his ears, a universal indicator that he was offended and was going to complain to cats but never specify what he was complaining about. Or in other words, be a lil bitch.

"Graystripe!" Firestar hissed in arous-anger, yeah anger and proceeded to drag Graystripe's dumbass to High-ledge so he could be productive. Firestar thankfully didn't go anywhere near Brightheart or Cinderpelt for reasons.

"Okay, I've already organised the patrols, so just do your job," Firestar explained to the asshole protagonist.

"I fucked your sister so hard I broke her pelvis," the gray fucker retorted, Firestar rolled his eyes so hard they almost detached from his retinas, "I wasn't joking, your sister died bleeding to death from her genitals," Graystripe said with no fucks given. Before Firestar could process the news that wasn't related to the fucking plot in the slightest, Graystripe bounded off to, what can only be assumed as, break more innocent pelvises.

* * *

After masturbating so hard his dick nearly fell off, Graystripe began to look for more innocent pelvises to break and then blame the death of the pelvis' owner's on excessive period blood.

After turning up empty pawed and his genitals not being covered in the blood of his enemies. Graystripe sighed. He really wanted to recreate the feeling he had when he committed necrophilia with the corpse of his dead lover, Silverstream, and only way to do that was by breaking innocent pelvises.

He suddenly felt a warmth move towards him, looking up and hoping to see Shrek, he was disappointed to find the ghost of the ex-Thunderclan leader who sacrificed herself to save Thunderclan from a dog he could've easily yiffed in the dick, Bluestar.

"Hello Graystripe, it's been awhile," The spooky cat-ghost muttered.

"Hey Bluestar, knock knock," Graystripe started.

The spooky ghost sighed in anger, "who's there?" She asked.

"Not your family," the gray cunt deadpanned.

The spooky ex-leader face pawed and glared at Graystripe simultaneously, somehow. "I have a prophecy for you," she stated, her eyes turned white as she started her spooky prophecy God summoning dance. After ending her dance with what was similar to twerking, but for cats. Thunderclan's ex-leader looked at him and spoke the obviously uncreative prophecy.

_"Only the most horrifying cat can do shit the other cats can't" _

Graystripe looked confused, what the buttfuckery did he just hear. It made as much sense as Firestar's relationships. "You ruined my night of debauchery for this bullshit!? I swear on me mum, I will come up there and I will bang your daughters so hard they'll spit semen for the next few days, my semen, out of their mouths, if you value your non-semen-spitting-daughters you will tell me what the fuck that means!" He ranted in outrage.

Graystripe proceeded to fuck off and do whatever cats who had their night of debauchery ruined by spooky cat-ghosts who told them the main focus of a terrible fucking fanfic.

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**Alright** **let me know if you want me to continue this shitty fanfic with no respect for itself or tell me to kill it with fire.**

**whatever works for you.**


	2. ( ʖ )

**Wow, that was a better reaction than I expected. I mean a lot better. I'm serious. Wow. I was expecting at least one review saying lol but thank The Flying Spaghetti Monster it never happened.**

**This took longer than it should have, but school is more important to me than fanficton, so updates will take longer (this goes for ALL my fics) so please have patience, thanks!**

* * *

Graystripe sat on a conveniently place log and mauled over the bullshit prophecy he was told, like how a pack of dogs mauled Brightheart. Before actually giving a fuck about the prophecy, he wallowed in self pity because the spooky ghost of Bluestar ruined his night of debauchery. Bluestar was a piece of shit.

After masturbating furiously the gray fucker decided to tell his bitch-ass leader, Firestar, about the bullshit prophecy. And began to make his way to the cesspool swimming with gay fanficton and the screams of innocent children known as Thunderclan.

On his way there, the asshole protagonist took the time to sacrifice innocent pelvises to Satan and light Shadowclan's territory on fire. Why? Because he fucking can, that's why.

The grayest of stripes burst into Thunderclan camp and demanded that all cats present participate in a rather large orgy infront of him, but they refused because it would shatter their fragile heterosexuality.

Firestar, now being made aware of the ruckus his lov-friend, most certainly a friend was making and made his way over to him. "Graystripe, what are you doing?" The leader questioned.

"Starclan spoke to me, and now I have a bullshit prophecy for your dumb ass," the dick of a protagonist explained.

Firestar gasped in suprise at his deputy's statement. Deciding that out in the open wasn't the best place to discuss a prophecy, he ushered his belov-friend into the medicine den. Away from the rest of the clan.

* * *

"So what was the prophecy? Something bad?" Firestar pestered his deputy and Cinderpelt listened intently, despite both of them knowing Thunderclan only got prophecies when shit was about to hit the fan. Fucking morons.

"Shut the fuck up I'm going to tell you," Graystripe snapped in irritation, he breathed in deeply and metaphorically searched his mind for what the buttfuckery happened at least fifteen minutes ago.

After taking two hours to explain in too much fucking detail about what happened, yes, even him masturbating furiously and threatening to bang Bluestar's daughters until they spat his semen out of their mouths.

"_Only the most horrifying cat can do shit the other cats can't_? That doesn't make sense," Cinderpelt commented. The prophecy didn't make sense, even for Starclan. But then again, they gave Tigerstar nine lives. Proving Starclan is bat shit crazy.

"That's what I said Cripplepelt." Graystripe commented in his usual insensitive cunt attitude. The medicine cat's fur bristled as she hissed in the gray fuck's direction and Firestar glared at his deputy.

After the three cats calmed down, a thick silence hung over them, none of them knowing what to do. Unless you were Graystripe, then in that case you were thinking about the night of debauchery you could've had.

So sad.

Graystripe suddenly had a less than fucking terrible idea and was about to leave to act on said terrible idea, until Cinderpelt yanked at his tail, dragging him back. After Graystripe stopped struggling and yelling how dragging him by the tail was kinky, Graystripe calmed his tits and listened to what the medicine cat had to say.

"If you're going out, take these herbs to Sandstorm," Cinderpelt gave Graystripe a small bundle of herbs that appeared out of fucking nowhere, "She's been complaining about stomach aches." The cripple said.

Graystripe almost forgot that Darude-Sandstorm was having Firefuck's kits, so he rationalised that she was almost ready to give birth and that's why her stomach ached, or she had a xenomorph in her stomach and it was ready to burst the fuck out. Either way it screws Firestar over.

"Alright, let's get this shit over with." Graystripe mumbled to his dick and walked off. Realising he had no fucking clue where Darude-Sandstorm was, he walked back into the medicine den.

"Uh, where's Darude?" Graystripe questioned, seemingly forgetting the layout of the camp like he had Alzheimer's. Cinderpelt and Firestar rolled their eyes at their asshole friend, like how you probably are doing the same thing because this chapter is going fucking nowhere. I see you doing that.

"She's pregnant. Where do you think she is?" The medicine cat stated like Graystripe was retarded, to her credit he was.

Graystripe seemingly paled, even though that was impossible because he's a cat, and shuffled his paws in the dirt, feeling uncomfortable. Picking up on the deputy's strange behaviour, both Firestar and Cinderpelt looked at each other, perplexed. Deciding to confront his gay lov- friend, Thunderclan's leader asked Graystripe a question.

"Uh, Graystripe w-what's wrong?" Firestar asked concerned.

"I can't go into the nursery," the deputy avoided eye contact with his leader, like he was embarrassed or guilty of something. The latter made more sense as Graystripe has held kits for ransom several times to get laid.

"Why?" Firestar asked like the nosey cunt he is.

"Because it would destroy my masculinity," the deputy confessed.

"what?"

* * *

While Graystripe and company where dicking around, they're was someone rather... ominous, was watching them. They watched intently as the three conversed with each other, like a fat person at McDonalds waiting for some dumb shit to drop their chicken mcnuggets on the floor, they breathed through the nose and theycould almost _smell _the stupidity, and the scent of fish from a lonely Cinderpelt.

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" They said aloud to themselves.


	3. You were expecting a chapter

Graystripe, after slipping into a coma for months on end and fading into obscurity, decided not to be a massive cunt, and actually do the thing the was supposed to do months ago.

He walked into the nursery, instantly smelling the cremated ashes and a scent that reminded him of the Armenian Genocide.

No, wait, fuck, this is the elders den.

Okay, let's try this again. Our gray protagonist walked out of the liability den, and walked into the nursery. The scent of prepubescent-

Dicks, this is the apprentices den.

Third time's a charm? The tom _now _padded into the nursery, finding it peculiar that it reeked of black dic-

Graystripe, are you retarded? For fucks sake this is Firestar's den.

Graystripe looked into an unspecified direction, triggered as fuck, "What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo." he hissed to the author.

Fuck this. I'm off to drink bleach.

After the author left to drink a pint of Clorox, our cunty main character walked into the nursery. The tom soon found Sandstorm, resting and facing away from him.

"Overused Joke, here's these fucking herbs I was supposed to give you months ago," he held the marijuanas out to her. It was strange, considering he doesn't have thumbs, he does, however, have extra chromosomes.

"You were expecting a pregnant she-cat," Sandstorm answered, she then turned to face the gray asshole, "but it was me! Dio!" and revealed that she was actually Dio Brando.

Dio then darted out of the nursery and out of the territory, leaving Graystripe stunned, confused, and aroused. After all, that was his fetish.

"Motherfucker," Gaystrip muttered, "how do I explain this to that gay boy Firestar,"

He never did. He just said the Men in Black took her. Now they're going on an adventure or something to get back the bitch or whatever.

Firestar had rounded up a team. A team of the best warriors in Thunderclan. Nah, he just got anyone he could find.

The rag tag team consisted of Graystripe, Firestar, Cinderpelt, Cloudtail and his sexy ass, CheekiBreekipaw, GordonRamseyface, and Starkit/paw/gleam or whatever her fucking name is.

"Alright men," Firestar started, "and women," he added before Cinderpelt and Starpaw could get triggered and retreat to their safe spaces, "we're about start our journey, it will be tough, but I know we can do this, all we have to do is-"

"-Can we go already? I think I'm getting cancer from your speech" Graystripe interrupted, triggering Firestar.

"This stake is raawww!" GordonRamseyface agreed. His name was very literal, as his face was a jpeg of Gordon Ramsey's face with the body of a cat.

"A NUU CHEEKI BREEKI IV DAMKE," CheekiBreekipaw chimed in.

Thus, they set out on their horrifying adventure.

* * *

**So this is going again, and a guest, Sneez3l, asked for permission to make a fan animation and if you're reading this , then yes, you have my permission.**

**Also, have an inspirational quote from Gandhi**

**_"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" _**

**_ \- Gandhi_**


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